progressive

i still like to call myself a beer snob even though ive only been drinking shitty beer lately. bud light today. PBR yesterday. Milwaukee's best the day before that. i still like the high end stuff, but this isnt about feelings of taste or even tastefulness. no, its too late to worry about that when we're drinking at noon. this isnt about killing the pain or something cliche like that. what it is about im not certain. i had my first drink before i brushed my teeth today. i went to bed when the sun and the birds were beginning to greet the day. i dont care about my health, i just hope i dont gain much weight.
do you wanna hear a funny idea? if not just stop reading. well i had an idea for a drinking game (ive never understood why you need to incorporate games into drinking, isnt it good enough?) that involves monopoly. you pretty much just play monopoly and every time you have to pay taxes you take a shot of vodka. or when you pay someone else you just take a drink of your beer. well, it seemed funny when i thought of it.

i am in my apartment. i am by myself. the microwave clock will not stop blinking 0:01 at me. lets forget this happened. i know i will.

primitive. broken. redeemed.

we left our clothes behind because we realized that those threads of society are no longer what defines us, so we trudged on into the darkness naked but more importantly together. along the way there were signs of past residents and of the world such as discarded pop cans, beer bottles, and cigarette butts. they were no longer here though. they left their mark and left, themselves. whereas we intended to leave ourselves. the night was cold on the bare skin, especially my right hand that gripped the revolver. my left however was scorching within the heat of your own. we stood at the opening not saying anything, not needing to. the look in your eyes said enough as it was all i saw reflected in the moonlight. and then, it began to rain.

360º

i cut my nails too short
and thought of you

i was burning up in my car
and thought of you grandma

i was caught damned and dancing
and thought of my sister

i took care of the ones closest
and thought of you mother

i drank on a weeknight
and thought of bukowski

i made mistakes
i have fucked my life up
i thought none of it
and i thought of you father
i thought of you

there is one magnet on my fiidge

faked suicides
well written notes
he wished to the worlds microscope
no longer longer wanting to identify by what he had
what he did or wore on his body
just who he was
the only thing stopping him from departing
was the loved ones he'd leave behind
what's life if you can't share it?
or throw it away together.

∞

i'm sitting on my bunk bed listening to that band you told me to check out
i like them but probably not as much as you do
a piece of art hangs near my bed
but its not your creation, but another's
i didn't go into work this morning
again
i am going to show up there
in a little bit
its just hard for me to care about the future
i understand what will happen
what will happen if i drop out of school
what will happen if i lose my job
what will happen if i get kicked out of my apartment
i understand
i just don't care
when i think of facing the music
a bathtub and a razor blade come to mind
death doesn't scare me the lest bit
pain does
i also have some things i want to do
before i go

May 18th

my body aches
outside temperatures are reflecting inner ones
this sun will soon come and warm our lives
i hope
this son will soon come and warm your life
i may
every joint reflects this ludicrous display of summer
and i am quite tired

darkness

one day god created light
and then he created darkness
after some time had passed
by happenstance the light met the darkness
at first they saw much in common was shared by them
despite their many differences
they realized they were nothing with out each other
for darkness is merely the lack of light
and light will always cast shadows
the light will always fill in the cracks
while the darkness takes shape to it's shade

isolation

i find myself on another late night drive
because ive found my mind doesn't crack until five
when my hopes begin to dive
and then the fruits of my mind begin to thrive
such an awful curse like the honey and the hive
for if i begin to dwell
my heart begins to swell
of course the fires cannot be quelled
whilst being trapped inside this hell
and no i have not been well
unlike i told you everything has been just fine around here.
so i drive and let my thoughts run loose
with darkness closing in on me like the noose
my only escape is the appearance of this sliver of moon
how it makes me wonder which of these roads leads to you
and how I'd do anything for you and your loved ones too
you see the problem with a fruitful mind
is that it's only ripe at a certain time
the rest it's un-bearing or its gone rotten and dead
but now as i think of my single sized bed
thoughts of rationality luckily i am being fed
i know you're asleep in your's that's fit for a king
not a worry right now, so don't worry in the morn
you can always trust i won't do any regrettable thing
i must be rid of the things and ideas i have worn

This past year

i have changed over this past year.
i have changed shape and i have changed form.
i have learned to love someone more than myself.
i have learned that i cannot stand separation.
in the beginning it was tough.
in the beginning it was difficult spending that much time with one person.
now it seems foolish to have thought that.
now it seems i have taken leaps and bounds.
my ears are much larger than before.
my ears are still always open but now know how to filter.
my world of physical and emotional are no longer separate.
my world is you.

My thinking spot

That place I showed you Wednesday, well I'm sitting here today
With something in either hand to make the pain go away
An aluminum can of mixed soft drinks
And a cigarette I'm convinced helps me think
I look at the green water and am ready to die
It's reflecting the trees and no longer the sky
Watching it pass, I feel for the dregs trapped on the side
While insects buzz around my head with thoughts of you and collide

nothing can reassure me as greatly and fully as your embrace.
every day, i need less and less of worldly things and agendas.
their medicine is years behind what your smile does for me.
i understand why some people need religion now.
because i would give my life for you.