I do not have any solid plans for tonight, I thought sitting in a leather chair a few hours before most parties would start tonight. Tonight is New Years Eve, One of the biggest party nights of the year. I could not attend the same party as last year, for last year I made a drunken fool of myself which is uncomfortable for everyone. I do have a few back up plans tucked away in the back of my mind, I always like having options strewn out before me with all their pros and cons. Also in the back of my mind is the haunting thought that no matter what I decide I want right now, I will end up getting fucked up. One of my options is to go bowling with some straight edge people, but I don't think i'll end up doing that. Not because I don't like them, but because the entire time I would be thinking of what good times I could be having elsewhere. Tonight I will reluctantly get tipsy. I will very willingly get drunk to help me feel better about that. I will wake up hung over and perhaps disappointed, or maybe just apathetic. I don't remember always having a problem. Before I went to the hospital it never crossed my mind that I might be overindulging myself or anything. I never felt like I had a problem until it was lectured to me that I was in fact an addict. Now that i've succumbed to their views I feel as if I can not say no to playing the part. Whatever happens tonight, tomorrow i'm still fleeing the scene.